American Saints(Part V)

American Saints

Part V

Wisdom in the shadows as they all run from the gallows/ can’t claim to be innocent/an inheritance of battles/wars for the sun scorch the sky with no victor/nobody excused/everyone complicit/mana from the sky keep us going when its dry/eventually the price of all the hubris gets high/the angels of the lord come to judge with no mercy/even angels can’t decipher what is God’s true purpose/I seen him send a messenger the size of a giant/his voice cracked the sky like a mirror made of lightning.

Punch Pilot, Track 11 “Apostles of the New God.”

The ground shook harder as the night blackened; the core of the Earth now a clock on fire and screaming the hour. Around Cait the velvet curtain of night seemed to vibrate from the unruly earth. Stillness for half a minute or two, then more tremors. While asleep, maybe Cait had placed her own heart into the ground accidentally. Cait’s heart beat too desperately to live in her chest anymore. The ground beneath Cait moved while her body was petrified into the cold stone of terror.

The Returner seemed to be more preoccupied with the shaking ground than Cait and her shaking companions. He stood sopping wet, turning his head and closing his eyes as he seemed to listen intently to the sound of the world shifting. Cait didn’t know if earthquakes were common in West Texas and she didn’t give a shit. She thought about every dead body she had seen yesterday and decided that the ground had swallowed them. That was it;it was them, beating their fists atop the planet’s mantle in mad protest. Cait looked at her friends.

Harper, Lisa Jo, and Jim seemed struck paralyzed as well. The Returner opened his eyes. Amethyst and wide, watery as his voice. Cait’s Uncle Jay had eyes that seemed to gaze from far away like the Returners did. He had fought in the Iraq War, maybe with Wess Wayne’s brother Trevor. Was this a war? Yes, Cait realized. Was she now a soldier?

“Yu all enterupt peeple as dey bathe? No wonder dey call yu savages.” He said, eyeing them sternly, before chuckling lightly. His voice was gentle waves on a night beach. Cait felt disarmed by its warmth, her shoulders relaxing involuntarily.

“Sit.” He commanded. They all sat. “Wait.” He said, seeming to remember something as he pointed at Cait. Her heart beat in two different directions, “Gō tu de fronna de cave ‘nd git my garments.”

Cait did as she was told and retrieved the giant pants she had mistaken as a tarp. And the poncho she had thought was a blanket. Cait noticed that it was a fine material. Some sort of alien silk. Underneath, a rifle longer than Cait made of gold so dirty it was brown. Cait paused for a moment, transfixed by this ancient weapon.

Without looking up at him, Cait timidly offered up the Returners clothes. Once he was dressed, Cait could see his cloak was a soft red. Patterns of six and ten winged birds all over. He sat and crossed his legs, the cradle of his lap wider than an office desk. The Returner then placed his hand into the dirt and said, “Fye.”

A campfire burned now where his hand had been. Cait and the others were astonished and silent. Cait felt guilty and grateful for its warmth. The flame danced with red and blue. It was unnatural, illuminating the cave more than it should. Coloring every corner of the cavern a soft purple. The Returner looked into the fire as another tremor shook the desert. Cait’s headache wouldn’t leave her alone. Harper spoke in a hesitant and respectful tone.

“...I thought you all said we had half a day.” She asked slowly, looking up at their captor. To Cait’s surprise, he seemed confused before replying. “I ‘ave never met yu beefore.” He said, his large brow scrunched with curiosity and focus.

Lisa Jo exchanged a confused glance with Cait before speaking too. “...Back at Fort Davis. Y’all said that we could have a head start… your leader S’an D’aelphon told us.” At the mention of S’an D’aelphon, Cait thought she saw something sharp flash through the invaders’ eyes. The sharpness was swallowed almost instantly by a field of violets. “Ahh…well–I deserted.” He said quietly with another chuckle. Cait was stunned as were her companions. She had come to expect no compromise from the insurgents. “Tell me yoor names.” He said looking back into the flames. Cait noticed something about him, he looked older than the other Returners somehow. The light of the alien fire revealed creases and wrinkles around his eyes and forehead.

Quietly, Cait and the others introduced themselves. Jim didn’t speak. The Returner seemed to take note of Jim’s silence, but he didn’t press it. “My name is R’aa f’ael.” He said looking each of them in the eye. “I wanna know yoor story. De story of yoor peeple.” He finished quietly, leaning back and sighing.

That caught Cait off guard. She sensed no one knew what to say, Jim winced in pain next to her. He had cleared his throat, but the motion must have aggravated his wounds. R’aa f’ael took note. “Yu hurt?” Jim stared at him like a stone. Cait desperately wanted to warn Jim not to say anything that would upset the alien, but he spoke anyways.

“...one of your boys damn near killed me. He whipped me…” Jim said quietly, a scream beating against the door of his restraint. R’aa f’ael smiled and closed his eyes, leaning back into the arch of the cave wall. “I see. I ‘ave not done enuff research on dis whorl tu sey fa sure but–I remember readin’ dat churn of de sun used ta git whipped ‘ere. Fa punishment. Fa fun. Fun fa massa. Well…das a knowin’ yu ‘ave now. Dat pain. Maybe sum knowledge grow from it.”

Jim was silent, his fists clenched in anger but when he looked into the fire, there was an expression Cait couldn’t place. The flames danced in Jim’s blue eyes. No one spoke for a moment. Lisa Jo began to say something but an especially large tremor silenced her.

As it subsided, R’aa f’ael seemed to be contemplating something as he stared at Jim across the flame. Once the shaking regulated itself he stretched his long arm over the fire and placed a hand atop Jim’s head. Jim was in no shape to move fast enough to escape and there was nowhere to go. “Shit!” He hissed. “Gone on! Do it motherfu-”

A soft green glow seemed to drip down Jim’s body. Rainlight that was both water and shine ran down his shoulders and back, much of it spilling onto the cave floor; flowers and grass grew around where Jim sat. R’aa f’ael removed his hand suddenly and the glow seemed to soak into Jim’s skin. “My back…my nose..” he said, standing up and stretching his newly healed body.

“Now-” R’aa f’ael said with a weary smirk, “-tell me de ‘istory of yoor peeple. Yu tell me wite boy. Kunsider it ə trade.”

Jim stopped his stretching and looked at the Returner as Cait and the others watched, shocked at what they had just seen. A miracle by the fire. Cait felt uneasy, and Jim tried his best.

“Our people’s history? What do you mean, like the pilgrims or Vikings or some shit?” Jim said sitting back down.

“ ‘s dat what yu call yoorselves, vying kings?” R’aa f’ael asked with real curiosity.

“Not all of us were Vikings. I mean some of our ancestors I guess.….I don’t know man! What are you expecting huh? Me to give you a history lesson? Y’all are killing us man. We don’t deserve this shit!” Jim said in a fluster, throwing his hands up like a boy.

“Well, what do yu deserve?” R’aa f’ael asked seriously. Jim didn’t seem to know what to say as the fire cracked. Cait didn’t know what to say either, and maybe it was just a way to think about something other than the headache, but she responded.

“I think we deserve another chance. Or to know how to be better, like mission trips or supporting in some way like that…” She said slowly. Cait looked at Jim, and then she looked at the others. “This can’t be the way to fix things. Right?” Lisa Jo and Harper both looked at Cait but neither responded.

R’aa f’ael turned his gaze to Cait, his eyes seem to be a spotlight. Cait hated it. It felt as if she was being appraised in some way. He spoke playfully: “Betta at not ‘nslavin’ ‘nd conquerin’; betta at not killin’ anyone darker tan yu? How kin anyone teech yu dat? Y yu even need tu lern dat?” R’aa f’ael continued to chuckle before getting serious. “I bin doin’ dis a looong time now. Tu long…it maybe ain’t no fixin’ things.” He finished sadly.

No one said anything for a moment as the fire burned blue and red. Lisa Jo asked quietly, “...Is that why you deserted then? Just tired of fighting.I mean..if there are planets like Earth all throughout the universe where Black and Brown people suffer…it must be really hard. I’m sorry, and killing like you all do can’t be easy. That has to affect you.” She finished softly. R’aa f’ael offered up a sad smile and turned his head towards Lisa Jo, “I bin doin’ dis work since I was a boy. Beefore da continents on dis planet separated–I was a killer. I have served God enuff in dis wey.” He said. There was a distant bitterness in his voice, Cait thought. As if it was far out in the black of the ocean under a sky of rotting stars. R’aa f’ael looked at Harper intently. His eyes narrowed. “Wha’ yu doin’ ‘ere? Dats da wun thing I kin’t understand.”

Harper looked sheepish in a way Cait had not seen in her yet. “I didn’t know how you guys would feel about me…or if I could even claim being Black..” She said softly, looking the Returner in his eyes. Harper’s voice was always earnest, like a child, Cait thought. Childhood was spilling out of her right now.

R’aa f’ael considered her seriously for a moment before responding, “It varies from whorl tu whorl. ‘Ow peeple like yu are perceived I meen…fa us, no. We wud not ‘ave konsidered yu Blakkk. But yu not wite either. We konsider yu as who yu are. Ya own thing. It was foolish of yu tu choose dis fate….” He finished sadly.

The ground shook more violently this time and after it subsided Jim spoke, “My dad was a soldier. So was his dad-”

“Y wernt yu?” R’aa f’ael cut Jim off, purple eyes snapping from Harper onto him. Jim’s face grew red but he responded. “I wanted to be one, I tried.” He said slowly, “but my knee was fucked up from football…couldn’t pass the physical. I wish I could have fought in Afghanistan or Iraq. I wish I could fight now. But everybody’s telling me it’s wrong. It’s wrong that I want to fight for my country, my family. My peo–I just don’t get it man. And you don’t even wanna fight. Yet here you are. Why’d you even come here? Why’d you heal me if I deserve to die?”

“Yu still ‘aven’t told me yoor people’s ‘istory. Da ‘istory yu wanna fight fa. Da ‘istory yu wanna die fa. It mus bee wun tu bee proud of. Eh?” He laughed harshly. Cait felt her face flush. Again, her skin was tying her to a legacy and destiny she had no say in. She knew now there was no running from it. But why? For some reason, Cait thought about how her mother had to give up school to raise her and her brothers. Cait thought about her mother.

“It’s not all of us!” She blurted out angrily, surprising everyone and herself. R’aa f’ael cocked a hairless brow in response. “Gō on.” He said. Cait took a breath: “...it’s like my mom, and women like my mom–and her mom–are getting punished for wars we didn’t start. And for laws that we didn’t even make. Laws that hurt us too. Come on Lisa. Harper? You guys are women. You know this isn’t right. I’m trying to learn but this can’t be the way.” Everyone around the fire seemed to contemplate as the flames swayed. R’aa f’ael spoke slowly and directly towards Cait. She listened.

“...trū…I don’ knō de ‘istory of dis whorl tu well…but I do knō de ‘istory of yoor mutha. I done seen it on ten tousan’ whorls. Wite ‘ooman like yu mek excuse fa wite boys dat wanna kill God. Bear dey churn, raze dey suns tu burn down de sky. Raze dey dawters tu bee de wite man’s spit rag. ‘Oomen dat neber side wit de ones de wite man step on. Een as da wite man step on dem. Dey wan’ dey turn to wear da boot. Dey turn tu step. So dey neber rise up wit de res’ of de stepped on. I know yoor mutha. I kill ‘oomen like dat. Like yu. But dere is always anotha whorl of ‘oomen like yu. And men like ‘im-” R’aa f’ael looked at Jim before finishing, “-and I am tired…”

There was silence and everyone filled it with their unspoken thoughts. A quiet that hummed. Cait thought about her grandmother and her great grandmother whom she had met once before she passed. A woman that had apparently shot Cait’s great grandfather and got away with it. Lisa Jo had almost shot Wess Wayne. Cait would maybe have to shoot a man too she realized. She took one more look at R’aa f’ael–he had shot a lot of men Cait thought. Women and children too; ethnic cleansing for eons. For a greater good. It seemed to cost.

They were all tired and words weren’t enough to change history or make anything right. Words never were. Cait’s head wouldn’t stop pounding and the world wouldn’t stop shaking. Eventually after they had all sat in silence for a few minutes R’aa f’ael extinguished the fire and the camp of mixed world survivors rested. Cait fell asleep next to Jim. Before he drifted off he said “Damn…my head has been killing me, I thought it was from the fight..but I still feel it.”

Cait and the others awoke a little after dawn. The ground now rumbled in an almost rhythmic way. R’aa f’ael was gone, and in the place he sat was a clay jar of honey. Cait’s headache had settled into a steady pulse. It wasn’t just Jim, Lisa Jo had a headache too. They concluded that maybe it was hunger as Harper seemed pensive. The dawn light peered into the cave and Cait stuck her head out cautiously.

The sky was a blushing blue over Cait and the mountains–however, to the West was a mile wide tower of storm clouds headed towards them. Blackish grey clouds thick with flood and hail. A storm that billowed from the floor of the horizon up to a lone fighter jet. Maybe the last warrior from an empire about to be thrown into the endless pit of history.

“Whoa!! This tastes soooo good dude.” Cait turned around to see Lisa Jo had her hand in the honey jar. She looked like a child’s dream of a bear. Cait smiled like a sob. They each took turns eating the honey, and to Cait it was savory almost. Sweet but peppery. Her eyes widened in surprise. After she swallowed, Cait felt as if she had eaten a full meal. The cleanest meal she had ever eaten. It was more than that though Cait felt; she forgot what it was like to be hungry. As if she had never really been full until now. She immediately felt a surge of energy.

“Whoa…” Jim said. The four of them sat in silence for a bit before Harper brought them back to reality. “We should get going. They’re coming after us now.”

The group moved swiftly as they could through the brush and hills. Pronghorn antelope grazed and Cait found herself admiring their beauty and grace. Their world would change too, Cait thought briefly as she and the others kept moving Northwest. In the last few days Cait had seen animals she had never heard of. Animals that to her, sprang forth from this new world.

Cait kept expecting to hear slow hymnals in the wind. But nothing yet. The storm drew closer and the ground shook louder in the same rhythm. It was about ten o’clock when they reached a ridge that forced them east. An hour or so later a weak voice called out to them from a patch of trees ahead.

As they drew closer Cait recognized him from the initial group that ended up leaving with Wess. Anthony’s father lay in the grass bleeding from a wound to his right side.

“He’s a…we should have never..I’m sorry..I’m sorry..I love you…he killed my wife...oh god…he’s a monster..Anthony…oh god…Anthony….”

The man died before they could ask his name or what had happened. Cait had started trying to anticipate death. She pursed her lips in a way that she thought would shut out the scream in her throat, but the rumble of it echoed through her chest.

“Jesus…” Jim muttered. “Gimme back my gun. I’m gone shoot that motherfucker when I see him.” Lisa Jo said a quick blessing over the man as they all stood in silence for a moment. This time Jim didn’t suggest that they stop to bury the dead, but rather he knelt down and placed a hand over the man’s forehead for a brief second. He tucked the gun in his back belt loop after Lisa Jo handed it back to him. The group moved on.

Cait thought about last night’s conversation with R’aa f’ael as they marched towards noon. She looked at the back of Jim’s head as he and Harper led the way. Cait thought about some of the things Jim believed because of his dad. Some of the things she had just hoped Jim would grow out of. Things that were off putting to her, but not deal breakers. Things she would sometimes just roll her eyes at. Cait used to feel like a buffer between Jim and the shadow his father cast. But now, she felt like an accomplice all of a sudden. The approaching storm filled up much of the western sky. Below, the ground shook so violently it threw them all off of their feet for a moment.

Harper was the first up. “Shit! Is everyone okay?” She asked. Before anyone could answer, a haunting gospel filled the air, and from the South warriors on horseback rode–their ancient weapons flashing in the sun. Guns and spears from beyond history. Cait thought about the pain. What it would feel like to be butchered into uneven pieces of fascia and skin. She grabbed onto Jim’s hand.

“Shit!” Harper hissed, before tugging Lisa Jo out of the stupor of fear they were all in. “We have to run!” For whatever good it did, they ran. There was no care for rattlesnakes, what did it matter. Today they would die. Cait knew it. Still, she ran harder than she had ever ran, for longer than she had ever ran. Over the prairie grassland they scrambled and grasped for freedom. The gospel was catching up to them and to the West the storm loomed closer and the ground shook harder. The rain would wash away their remains soon Cait thought as her sides burned from exhaustion. Today the ground would finally devour them. Maybe that was good, or God. Lisa Jo collapsed, doubling over to vomit from exertion. “Fuck!” She sputtered. The stitch in Cait’s side along with her headache felt like two spears already piercing her body. She too had to stop from exhaustion. Harper and Jim ran back from yards ahead to pull them up. But all around them now the Returners began to surround. The first thunder from the storm broke the sky into a chorus of hammers. A familiar voice Cait had come to fear spoke like an unexpected wave crashing.

“Sō!” S’an D’aelphon crowed as he hopped off of his ash white horse, a sardonic grin on his lips. He steadied himself on the shaky ground before speaking. “Fore wite gurls los’ in de desert.” He then addressed Jim who had his fists balled. “Yu heeled up fas’ wite gurl.” Cait put her hand on Jim’s balled fist before the Returner continued, “We ‘ave all de wite folk we gon tek. Do yu wanna run o’ fight?”

“All of you don’t want to fight you know!” Harper said defiantly stepping forward. Around them all the Returners laughed and exchanged incredulous looks between each other. Some mimicked Harper cruelly before shouting obscenities and threats. She continued as S’an D’aelphon looked down at her. He was no longer smiling as Harper spoke again. “We’ve met one of you that deserted. I’m not saying this to save myself but my mom is half-black. I’ve seen how hard it is for her. It hasn’t been easy for me either all the time…I’m angry too. Always. But this isn’t it, and you know that. I’ve seen how it really affects you.” She finished without breaking eye contact.

The Returners stopped laughing and S’an D’aelphon looked down at Harper with scrutiny. Cait thought that he seemed to want to know something, but he didn’t want to seem curious. Finally, he spoke. “Who deserted. Whas de name of de one yu met?”

“R’aa f’ael!” Lisa Jo said. There was a plea in her voice as she spoke. “I saw it. I saw how hard it is to kill….even if the people you’re killing deserve it in some ways...the children don’t. There’s always a chance with them, man. Black and Brown people do deserve their land back. They do deserve to get back at white folks. But y’all are hurting them too. Hurting everyone…and you’re hurting too.” She finished. The Returners looked genuinely confused before they started laughing again. The sound of white thick rain on a highway window. S’an D’aelphon smiled wider than ever.

“See, dis is ‘ow I knō yu all are liars by nature. Who told yu de name R’aa f’ael eh?” He said laughing before Jim responded angrily. “We met him last night dude!” S’an D’aelphon looked down at Jim before saying, “R’aa f’ael was a Returner dat died in battle billions of yeers agō. One of de fusst Returners. ‘E bin ded. Fa eons.” Cait would have been stunned if her body had room for shock. No one knew what to say and there was nothing left to say.

As S’an D’aelphon unsheathed his machete a shadow above blocked out the sun. Maybe the first cloud from the storm. A Returner from the crowd yelled to S’an D’aelphon, “Kaptan! Look!” He then pointed up at the shadow.

Everyone’s eyes followed his finger to the sky and Cait saw the silhouette of a bird. One with many wings, six Cait counted. Six brushes of shadow, it descended in swirls of darkness. She looked down at S’an D’aelphon as his confusion turned to sudden understanding and what looked like fear. He shouted at the other Returners, “Kneel! De General approaches!”

What Cait had thought was a bird grew larger in shape as it floated gently to the ground. And eventually a Returner more than twenty feet tall with six black feathered wings protruding from his back landed. In his hand was a soft red cloak. As he stood, the wings on his back disintegrated into ash and feathers large as kites that landed around his feet. The Returner threw the cloak over his shoulders and stepped from underneath the glare of the sun to reveal a familiar creased face.

“R’aa f’ael..” Cait whispered to herself, as S’an D’aelphon and the other Returners knelt. The Returner Cait knew as R’aa f’ael gave her a sad smile but no other acknowledgement before addressing his legion. “I am My’Kael. De Return of dis kontinent is under my kommand. I ‘ave been əway on a speshul mission. Under de guise of one of my ancestors-” He said gesturing towards Cait and the others.

“-I ‘ave been learning about dese ‘umans by spendin’ time wit dem akross de whorl. De ones ‘nslaved in mines and sweatshops and ones ‘nslaved in cities. Alla dem. I lerned much….tell me what ‘ave yu lerned from dis sadism?” He finished, glaring at S’an D’aelphon who remained quiet. Cait could see him breathing hard before he responded.

“On dis whorl de wite men rape and sell churn. Tu each otha, fa fun, fa status. Dey poison de wata, and dey rewrite de ‘istory. Dey split atoms to kill. Dey are monsters General. I am ova tree tousan’ years ol’ and I ‘ave neber seen dis.” He pleaded and many of the other Returners murmured agreement.

My’Kael looked down at S’an D’aelphon and Cait saw him sigh paternally before speaking. “...yes ‘nd yu are young still in de eyes of God….I am haf a billion years ol’ ‘nd I have seen whorls like dis. Yu cryin’ ova an atom. Dere ‘re wite men dat bomb galaxies. And rape all de churn akross every planet…” he finished harshly causing many of his soldiers to flinch. My’Kael continued, and Cait heard the same distant bitterness from across the ancient seas.

“De sickness ‘s deep ‘ere yes. We muss cleanse dese peeple. Alla dem. Look tu de west.” He pointed, Cait and everyone else turned their eyes to the mass of clouds churning their way. My’Kael spoke again. “Keep looking while I speek.”

Cait saw the swirl of clouds crack with lightning near the middle, and overhead the sky began to darken. Her headache grew worse somehow as the storm spread across the sky and the tower of clouds grew closer. My’Kael continued.

“God bin stretchin’ and ballin’ up de universe ova and ova again since always. Wide out as ‘E can…and den small down tu ə singularity.” My’kael mimicked a bubble stretching and contracting. “Everytime ‘E stretch….it pop louder den de las’ time. It bin foreteen billion yeers since ‘E dun popped de universe open again…de Big Bang dey kall it ‘ere..God’s fuust miracle.” My’Kael paused to smile.

“Except…’E bin doin Big Bangs. Ain’t no fuust. Ain’t no las’

maybe..not yet.” He preached to his soldiers.

Cait coughed as the storm advanced and the sky darkened. Ahead, the maelstrom seemed to twist and fold up on itself. Was this a tornado? Cait thought. No, there wasn’t any wind and the ground kept shaking louder in that same rhythm.

“Fa de fuss tree hunndred ‘nd eighty tousan’ yeers it was dark. Dere was nuthin…but den God sed let dere be lite! De stars all around bloomed. Dis was back wen God walked through de garden of de universe…de largest thing yu will ever see. Dat’s how God look. De biggest blakkk hole is smaller den God’s eyes….” My’Kael said in a voice that was reverent.

Not clouds Cait realized. Smoke. Was this a wildfire headed their way? The smoke seemed to come from the ground and near the top of the clouds two fireballs seemed to burn.

“We are de churn of dat fusst lite. Lite is de word of God. De fusst word of God. We ‘ave God’s words all ova our skin and ‘E rites through us. Yet, under de fusst star…we were ‘nslaved fa our skin. ‘Nslaved by wite men that traveled from a distant whorl’. A whorl’ wit no lite.”

From the tower of smoke a giant emerged. The top of the highest mountain came up to its ankle. Ink black skinned, with deep scars of crystal the color of beryl. Scar tissue of jewels. Cait could now see polished brass feet that shook the world with each step. Cait craned her neck up to see a face composed of lightning bolts and two burning eyes. In a brass hand the giant held a skyscraper size incense burner that billowed out smoke. He swung the thurible in slow arcs covering the sky and land with opaque clouds. It smelled like pine straw and frankincense burning. Cait and the others fell to their knees coughing uncontrollably.

“We prayed tu God fa power…power tu free ourselves. ‘E gabe it tu us… Now we gone gib it to dem…dis ‘s de Returner kalled G’ah’bree-el. One of de fusst Returners. He carries de Word of God and ‘e been carryin’ it across dis whole planet.

Dis ‘s a miracle yu are witness tu. A mutagenic gas radiated wit God’s lite. De lite from de fusst star. All de trauma and violence ‘as changed de genetics of all de peeple ‘ere.. dat trauma gone mek de churn of de sun like us, Like God.” My’Kael then looked down at Cait with a sad resolution. She struggled to breathe as the titan loomed above, blocking out the sun and shaking the world apart with each step.

“And dat trauma will be de undoin’ of dey oppressors. Dey will beg us tu tek da res’ of dem tu Ubermensch. And we won’ ‘ave to kill anymoor...”

The Returner G’ah’bree-el stepped over Cait and the others and the world around was consumed by smoke as the ground shook violently. Cait couldn’t see or even heave her chest to breathe. G’ah’bree-el spoke and all the water of the world was his voice. Cait could hear his voice coming from her spit, her blood, her bile. It hurt so bad Cait couldn’t hear what he was saying. No air and no sound but water, Cait felt herself drowning in the desert. She blacked out.